Reader Suggestion

I love when readers send in ideas that have been useful to them. I just received this list of conflict resolution resources that were recommended in an article called "Don't Get Revenge: Conflict Resolution Skills," published on line in The Consumer Voice. Special thanks for this list to Kenya at the W.B. Goodwin Community Center who is using conflict resolution in her life, and from what her group leader says, these skills are making a difference. We need more young people like Kenya who go the extra mile to try and get along with others. Imagine what our world would be like if everyone did this!

         CONFLICT RESOLUTION LINKS:

• Conflict Resolution Skills: Building the Skills That Can Turn Conflicts into Opportunities: A trusted guide that provides tips on building the necessary skills that can turn destructive conflicts into promising opportunities by utilizing essential people skills.
• Conflict Resolution Skills (PDF): An educational source that shares the core principles of resolving conflict in a favorable manner.
• Conflict Resolution: Where Does Conflict Begin?: The six points to sound conflict resolution include finding a balance between two parties’ goals, values, tasks, resources, rules, and communication.
• Out on a Limb: A Guide to Getting Along: An interactive guide that demonstrates how people with differing viewpoints can find a resolution to existing conflicts.
• Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills: Learners Guide (PDF): An extensive manual that teaches students how to develop better communication and conflict resolution skills.
• Conflict Resolution: Skills You Need to Work (PDF): An authoritative guide to developing conflict resolution skills, including understanding intra-personal conflicts, managing stress, and resolving interpersonal conflicts.
• Techniques for Conflict Resolution (PDF): An all-inclusive manual that teaches key conflict resolution strategies, including behavioral and negotiation techniques.
• The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution (PDF): A practitioner’s guide to understanding the dynamics of conflict resolution, and how to apply it to real life situations.
• Conflict Resolution in Schools (PDF): An instructional guide that teaches students to minimize conflict and resolve any underlying issues that caused a disagreement.
• Put Conflict Resolution Skills to Work: A call for competent conflict resolution between leaders and their subordinates.
• Conflict Resolution: Understanding the Elements: Head Start, a government-sponsored childhood learning and knowledge center, shares the important elements to understanding conflict resolution.
• 8 Steps For Conflict Resolution: A highlighted resource that defines, identifies, and provides answers to conflict.
• Development of Conflict Resolution Skills in Infancy and Early Childhood (PDF): An abstract publication that describes the many important aspects about conflict resolution development, especially in infants and young children.
• Conflict Resolution Skills: A comprehensive resource that shares a conflict resolution plan for those who are overly aggressive or passive-aggressive.
• Workshop on Conflict Resolution: The International Federation of University Women shares pertinent steps that foster win/win situations when exercising certain conflict resolution skills.

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Amazing Books to Help Teachers and Parents Combat Bullying

I am so excited about the new anti-bullying series that was just released by Free Spirit Publishing! The Weird Series, written by Erin Frankel and illustrated by Paula Heaphy, is perfect for kids in grades K-3, and I think teachers are just going to eat these books up. Below is an interview I did with author Erin Frankel. I know her books are going to help countless kids:

Tell us about the amazing fiction series you've written on bullying for younger kids.

It’s been a wonderful experience working with lifelong friend, Illustrator Paula Heaphy, and Free Spirit Publishing to create The Weird Series. It contains three books: Weird! Dare! and Tough! Each tells a true-to-life story of bullying told from three perspectives: the target, the bystander, and the child doing the bullying. Paula and I have had our own personal experiences with bullying and we wanted to use our experiences and talents to help make a difference. Weird! tells the story of a wonderful little girl named Luisa, who changes everything about herself to avoid being bullied and ends up learning important lessons about being true to who she is. We wanted to explore the roles that the bystander and the child doing the bullying played in Luisa’s story. This is how Dare! and Tough! came to life. We let the characters take us where they needed to go, and in doing so, I think the end result is a real sense of learning and healing from all three perspectives.

The Weird Series is completely unique in terms of books on bullying for younger children. What can this series help parents and teachers do in a way that no other books can?

Bullying doesn’t involve just one person. The Weird Series helps parents and teachers dig deeper into the roles that we all can play in putting an end to bullying. The books can be read separately or as a set, and regardless of the order in which they are read, each perspective opens a pathway to the other two books. If children wonder why the bystanders don’t speak up at first, or why the child doing the bullying acts so mean, or how the bullying made Luisa feel, parents and teachers can turn to these books for answers. The stories and illustrations are engaging and true-to-life, which means children will relate to the characters and will want to know more about their struggles. Each book includes “activity club” pages and discussion ideas that give parents and teachers even more ways to explore the topic of bullying with children.

 What are some important things parents need to know if their child is being bullied?

Here is what I have learned.  Bullying can affect every area of your child’s life. If your child is being bullied, don’t ignore the signs. For example, is your child suddenly more withdrawn or acting out of character? Has your child’s sleep habits changed? Have you noticed any unexplained physical injuries or does your child ask to stay home from school often? Targets of bullying are often ashamed and afraid to speak up about bullying. Help your child open up, and reassure him you’ll see to it that things don’t get worse as a result of doing so. Then, make sure to follow through.

Practice confidence-building and assertiveness strategies with your child to help her regain some of the confidence that bullying has most likely taken away. But most importantly, see to it that the school’s plan of action to stop the bullying is one that keeps your child’s dignity and safety intact. For example, your child should not be forced to sit down and work things out with his/her tormentor -- doing so can be re-traumatizing.  Also, any physical changes that are made in terms of seating arrangements, class adjustments, etc. should be aimed at the child doing the bullying, not the child who’s being targeted. Your child did not choose to be bullied and should not be the one inconvenienced or singled out. Educate yourself on best practices when it comes to bullying and don’t be afraid to share this knowledge with your child’s school. Here are a few websites for starters:

http://www.stopbullyingnow.com/parents.htm
http://www.bullying.org/htm/main.cfm?content=1084
http://www.stopbullyingworld.org/

How can teachers and parents help kids resist bullying their peers and classmates?

The greater the empathy, the greater the resistance to cruelty. To build empathy, it’s important to provide children with experiences and opportunities which allow them to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Children who bully often experience a disconnect between their behavior and its effect other people’s feelings. When children can define and understand their own feelings, it becomes much easier to take on another person’s perspective and feel their feelings. When feelings are put into the equation, bullying becomes less likely.



What can parents do to help their children avoid becoming a target of bullying?

Start talking about bullying early on. Raise awareness so bullying doesn’t catch your child off guard. Help your child develop a strong sense of self, and along with that, positive self-talk to build confidence or regain confidence in the face of bullying. Often, children who’ve been bullied say, “I didn’t know what to do.” Our reflection and dialogue regarding bullying must be such that children have no question about what to do. The Weird Series provides many specific guidelines on this.

If we raise awareness early on, and cultivate empathy, then children won’t have to be on guard. They can be who they are within a supportive culture of kindness rather than one of cruelty. They can go back to being kids.

 What else do you want to share with us?

Before writing The Weird Series, my understanding of bullying came from personal experiences as a child, mother and teacher. While working on the books, I felt a deep responsibility to further that understanding, given the seriousness of the topic. I turned to the research and experience of individuals who have made a difference in bullying prevention. It would be impossible to mention everyone. But if I could share a few with parents and teachers: Barbara Coloroso, Stan Davis, Michele Borba, Rosalind Wiseman, Trevor Romain, and . . . Naomi Drew! Paula and I have also provided links to some wonderful anti-bullying associations on our website: www.theweirdseries.com.

Thanks for the opportunity to talk about something that means so much to me!

                                              
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Free "Upstander" Lesson (scroll down)

Teaching kids to be "upstanders" rather than bystanders is one of the most important antidotes to bullying. Here's a lesson you can use right now that's sure to help. 


Lesson: Standing Up for Others

Preparation. On chart paper, write: “I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do.”—Helen Keller

Introduction. Ask students if they’ve ever chosen to be kind to someone other kids were acting mean toward. Ask if they’ve ever been an “upstander” for someone who was picked on. Discuss, acknowledging how hard this can be.

Tell students they don’t have to do it alone. They can team up with a friend to be an upstander for someone. They can ask a classmate to help too. Have a student briefly role play asking a classmate to team up with them to be an upstander for someone in the class who’s being picked on. Help them come up with some helpful things they can say to the person who’s being picked on. Ask them to think of some assertive – not aggressive – statements they can make to the person who’s being mean.

Invite a student to read the Helen Keller quote. Ask: What is “something we can do” when someone’s being called names or made fun of by others? Why does it take courage to choose to be kind when others aren’t, or to stick up for someone when no one else does?

Activity. Ask for volunteers to act out the following scenarios, choosing one or two students to play the role of “upstanders” in each case. After each role play, ask: What did the upstanders do to help? What would you do? Is there anything that would stand in your way of being an upstander in real life? How can we help each other be upstanders?

• Brian gives the wrong answer to a question the teacher asks. Other kids start to snicker and make faces.

• Mindy comes to school wearing a shirt with a big stain on it. Her hair is all tangled and looks like it hasn’t been washed in awhile. A few kids hold their noses as she walks by.

• Jason has trouble reading. He stumbles over some simple words that most of the class can read with ease. Someone makes a joke about this at Jason’s expense. A few kids start to laugh.

• Jessie tends to be awkward around other kids. Sometimes she talks too loud. People find her annoying. She always ends up sitting alone at lunch.

Distribute “8 Ways to Be an Upstander”  (below) and discuss more ways we can help people who are picked on or excluded. Have students come up with other upstander actions to add to the list.

Wrap-Up. Encourage students to “do the something they can do” when they see peers being mistreated.
Ask them to write about their experiences. Discuss what they experienced when they come to school tomorrow.

Adapted from No Kidding About Bullying by Naomi Drew, M.A., copyright © 2010. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 800-735-7323; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.
********************************************************************************

8 Ways to Be an Upstander

Team up with a partner or do it alone . . . 

1. Choose not to join in when people are picking on or laughing at someone.

2. Speak out against unkind words or actions.

3. Say something helpful to the person who’s being picked on or laughed at.

4. Ask people who are teasing how it would feel if they were the ones being teased.

5. Ask the person who’s being left out or picked on to join you in an activity.

6. Let an adult know what’s going on.

7. ______________________________________________________________

8. ______________________________________________________________


Take Action!

Team up with a friend or classmate to be an upstander for someone else. Write about your experience. What was it like? Did it help? How did the person you stood up for feel when you stepped in?

Adapted from No Kidding About Bullying by Naomi Drew, M.A., copyright © 2010. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 800-735-7323; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.






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Listening in Conflict: Free/Downloadable

Let's face it -- we've all had trouble doing it, including me. It's hard to listen when we're bursting at the seams. But conflicts don't get solved unless we're willing and able to hear the other person out. The only time this doesn't apply is when someone's being abusive or disrespectful. But in regular, day-to-day conflicts, if we can garner up the gumption to take the high ground, we stand a good chance of setting the tone to get the conflict resolved. So, give this a try, and let me know how you do. Teachers, feel free to download this and try it with your class:

7 Steps for Listening in Conflict


• Keep an open mind, even if you disagree.


• Keep your tone of voice, facial expression and body language neutral.


• Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.


• Breathe deeply and refrain from interrupting.


• Paraphrase what was said and ask for clarification where needed.


• Be respectful even when angry.


• Give your point of view after you’ve fully heard the other person out.

Taking the high road prevents moments like this.

Avoid preaching and criticizing.

Model how to listen so they can do it too.

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A Photo for Our Times

Is it possible that the bullying, hatred, divisiveness, and intolerance in our world, can be overcome by simple acts between two people repeated over time and multiplied by all of us?  

Photo by Ishvara Devi

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Is Being Cruel the New Cool?

Bullying, intolerance, humiliation via the web -- many experts are calling it an epidemic of cruelty among our youth. This reality is echoed in schoolyards, classrooms, and campuses across the US.

Cruel language and violent behavior saturate video games, TV shows, and music kids adore. Victims are often seen as people who deserve the treatment they're getting. This concurs with anti-bullying research that cites “teaching him a lesson” as a reason kids give for bullying someone they find different or uncool.

It falls on all of us to take action in our homes, schools, and communities.  We each need to be part of the solution. Inaction allows the problem to continue. Kids need to know that cruelty in any form is never cool, and certainly not funny. Here are six things we can all do right now:

1.  Model respect under all circumstances.  Albert Schweitzer once said, “Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it is the only thing.” Our children learn through imitation.  Whatever words come out of our mouths are likely to come out of theirs. It’s more important than ever to counter cruelty with compassion and tolerance and to be examples of this in our lives.

2. Call kids on words and actions that are hurtful.  Whether directed at a sibling, friends, or anyone else, don't let it go by.  Say something like, “That was disrespectful,” or “Please don't speak in such a mean way.”  Name it, call them on it, and be clear that it's never okay to be mean. Period.

3. Don't tolerate disrespect or hurtful comments directed at you.  Because kids are surrounded with cruel, sarcastic language, many are losing the ability to distinguish what's appropriate from what's not. It's okay for kids to express anger or disagreement, but it needs to be done respectfully regardless of how upset they might be.  Discuss all of this at a neutral time and brainstorm acceptable ways of expressing negative feelings.  Be sure to model this yourself.

4.  Monitor what's happening on cell phones and computers.  Many kids bully using texts, tweets, and social networking sites. Be clear that visiting a site that was set up to put down someone else is never okay, and initiating an act of cyber-cruelty is even worse. If your child is bullied via the internet, save what was sent and speak to your child's teacher, guidance counselor, or principal.  Even though the messages might have generated from a home computer, the impact continues at school.

5.  Find examples of kindness and talk together about them. What books, videos, movies, TV shows have heroes who are decent, respectful, kind, and assertive? You may need to do a little detective work, but decent role models are out there. We all need to talk more to kids about kindness, conscience and compassion,

6.  Let your child know that it’s cooler to be kind, and often shows more courage. Anyone can be cruel, but it takes a courageous person to speak out against cruelty. Martin Luther King had a gift for standing tall in the face of cruelty, never stooping to the level of those who hurled threats, insults, and worse. This is the highest form of courage and character. We each have this capacity within ourselves.

Delivering the message at The College of New Jersey.

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What to Do If You Receive Mean Texts, Tweets, Posts, or E-mails

This advise from the Committee for Children is sound, practical, and to the point. Please pass it on to every young person you know:

• Never, ever respond to the message sender.
• Report it as soon as possible to a trusted adult (and if that person doesn’t help, tell others until someone does).
• Save or print the message to keep a record, then delete it from the phone.
• Only keep contact information of close friends and family in their address book.
• Talk to their wireless provider about how they can help (such as blocking the messages or changing their number).                                                                                                                     

For more information on dealing with cyberbullying, sexting, click on the link above.  You'll also find some great tips for parents!

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Everything You Need to Know About NJ's New Anti-Bullying Law

Every school in the State of New Jersey is now required to enact what has come to be known as "The Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights." What follows is an excerpt from a feature article I wrote for this month's NJEA Review detailing the responsibilities of every teacher regarding this important new law:

“They call me names every day and make me feel like I don’t belong. It never stops.” Her face dissolved in sobs, then the words I feared most: “I can’t face another day. Those kids who committed suicide . . . well, that’s what I’m ready to do.” This beautiful child, filled with promise, pushed to the brink by bullying at the tender age of 10.


“Shawna,” with help from her school counselor, is weathering the storm. But countless other kids are lost in despair due to bullying. According to the White House, 13 million kids are bullied each year, about a third of all students. Yet it’s not only bullied kids who suffer. All kids lose when bullying happens. Those who bully are more likely to end up incarcerated by age 30, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. Bystanders are harmed too. “People who simply watch their peers get verbally or physically abused experience just as much, if not more, psychological distress as the actual bullying victim,” says School Psychology Quarterly. For these reasons and more, the Centers for Disease Control calls bullying “a major public health problem” and reports that 13.8 percent of students in grades 9-12 seriously considered suicide in the previous 12 months.


Yet many teachers don’t actually see bullying happening. It often flies under the radar, taking place in hallways, schoolyards, cafeterias, on school buses, in cyberspace, and other venues beyond the earshot of adults. Its presence is insidious, impeding learning and creating a climate of fear that can lead to depression and suicide.

Click here to read the complete article.


Click here for a complete list of anti-bullying resources including free, downloadable tools and lessons you can use in your classroom.

                               From NJEA Review, September, 2011

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A New Book to Help Kids Who Are Bullied

I just learned about a newly-released anthology, "Dear Bully," by Megan Kelley Hall and Carrie Jones, a compilation of real stories from seventy authors who were bullied, or did some bullying themselves. It sounds like a must-read for kids, parents, and teachers.  I'm looking forward to reading it soon!

Here's a review of "Dear Bully" that appeared in School Library Journal:

This is a powerful addition to the growing collection of materials that deal with this pervasive issue. Young adult and children’s authors have stepped up and shared their own experiences. The stories, poems, letters, and comics are as different as they are alike; feelings of powerlessness, lack of support, and the sheer invisibility that they felt are themes that run throughout the selections, and yet each one is unique and moving. Many contributors talk about how writing became an escape from their pain and provided fuel for their creativity. Loners and misfits, popular kids, artsy types, you name it, they are here in these pages. Some are still raw from their experiences, many tell how they have moved on, and most writers assure readers that life does get better, that there is always something to look forward to. All of these stories feel authentic and honest, and readers will find a story or a person to identify with, to look to for comfort or guidance. As educators, parents, physicians, politicians, and children themselves struggle to address the issue of bullying in schools, in cyberspace, on playgrounds, or wherever, the power of real people telling real happenings about real issues is a valuable tool to wield. With some profanity and frank mentions of drinking, drugs, etc., this anthology is best for high school collections, though many of the individual stories would be excellent for middle schoolers.— by Jody Kopple

By the way, if you'd like to be inspired by a real-life "upstander" who took a firm stand against bullying, click here to read "She Said 'No' to Cyberbullying." There's a lesson in it for all of us!

What Do You Think? To comment, e-mail Naomi@LearningPeace.com or click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”

Back from South Africa

And what a trip it was! We visited schools, an orphanage, a game reserve, and many, many sites in this fascinating country, including the profoundly moving Apartheid Museum. So many of the children we met were incredibly friendly and warm in spite of poverty, very difficult living conditions, and in many cases, the loss of a parent to AIDS.

I got the chance to speak with teachers in a number of schools, and it was inspiring to see how dedicated they were in the face of extremely challenging teaching conditions, including an almost total lack of supplies -- paper and pencils were about it for most, and books were sparse;  overcrowded classrooms with as many as 60 students and no support staff; poverty and a dearth of food for a large majority of their kids.  For many students the walk to school took more than an hour each way and was often done on empty stomachs. They would be fed when they got to school, then at the end of the day. No lunch or snack was available, and for many of the kids, these were their only meals. It's hard to imagine. Yet, there was an energy of hope and warmth, even at the orphanage we visited. The photos below, all taken in South African schools or at "Mama Mary's" orphanage, clearly reflect this.

A Pre-K classroom. The smile on the teacher's face was typical of so many people we met there.

1000 plus children, perfectly still for morning prayers. 

Preening for the camera

Precious little girls I met at the orphanage.

The shortage of books in South African schools prevents many children from being fluent in reading until they reach 7th grade. If you'd like to help, please go to Books for Africa which has shipped more than 24 million books to 45 African countries since 1988. These books are on once-empty library shelves, in classrooms in rural schools, and in the hands of children who have never before held a book. Think of all the books that sit in darkened storage closets in schools across the U.S. With your help these books could open a world of literacy to children in rural South Africa.

Click here to learn more about the Peace Train, the organization that sponsored this trip.

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A Mother Speaks Out Against Bullying

“It’s a tragedy that shouldn’t happen to anyone,” said Wendy Walsh whose 13 year-old son committed suicide last fall after being brutally bullied for being gay.

To prevent this tragedy from happening to any other child, Wendy Walsh filed a complaint with the U.S. Department of Education. The Federal Justice Department investigated her complaint and discovered that Seth was a sensitive boy who, “for more than two years, was teased for looking like a girl, inappropriately touched, had food and water bottles thrown at him, became the subject of false sexual rumors and eventually stopped changing into his gym clothes because he felt threatened in the locker room.” They found the school district's lack of effective action to stop the bullying a violation of Seth's civil rights.

The Justice Department and the Federal Education Department censured Seth’s school district and demanded that they make immediate changes to stop the bullying. For full details read my Examiner article, “An Anti-bullying Victory.”

“It took my son’s life to make this change,“ said Wendy Walsh. She advises other parents not to stand still if their child is being bullied. “Know your rights, then make it stop.”

If your child is being bullied and you’ve tried to make it stop, but nothing’s worked, find out what you can do in the highly informative Bully Action Guide by Dr. Edward F. Dragan.

Wendy Walsh with a photo of Seth. Photo by Casey Christie

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The No Bullying Pledge

Introduce your kids to the No Bullying Pledge. Be they at home, at camp, in school, or any other place where kids gather, this needs to be the standard. Ending bullying starts with each of us, and the time to act is now. Please pass this on to every parent, teacher, or group leader you know:



                     The No Bullying Pledge

• I will not take part in any actions  that purposely hurt another person.                                         

• I will join with friends to stand up for kids who are being picked on. 

                                                   

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7 Steps to Bully-Proofing Kids

According to White House estimates, over 13 million kids are bullied across the U.S. each year, so it’s important to take pro-active steps. For parents, teachers, counselors, grandparents, group leaders, and anyone else with a child in your life, here seven steps to help you “bully-proof” the kids you love and care about:

1. Teach them to value their self-worth. Every child needs to know they don't have to look, act, dress, learn, or be like everyone else to be worthy of respect. Affirm their talents, strengths, and competencies so they can always remember who they are at the core, regardless of what anyone else says or does.

2. Teach them that they never have to tolerate cruel behavior. Sadly, kids who are bullied often believe they deserve it. They wonder if there’s something inherently wrong with them that causes the bullying. Teach them that bullying is more about the person who bullies than the recipient of it. And let them know that under no circumstances should they ever allow someone to purposely humiliate, threaten, shun, or harm them. If that happens, it’s critical that they seek the well-deserved support of someone who cares about them.

3. Teach them that asking for help isn’t tattling. Too often kids avoid telling adults they’ve been bullied because they believe that would be “snitching.” For whatever reason, there’s an unspoken taboo against “telling” among too many kids. Let them know they have the right to be emotionally and physically safe under all circumstances, and if someone violates that right, they have the right to ask for help.

They also need to know that if the bullying continues they need to keep asking support until it stops.

4. Teach them to avoid kids who are “trouble.” Sometimes our kids put themselves at risk by seeking the approval or friendship of kids who mistreat them. Tell them, "If someone doesn't like you, there's someone else who does.” As long as they have one person they consider a friend, that may be enough.

5. Teach them how to stand tall, look someone in the eyes, and say, "Stop," without whining, crying, or looking scared. Rehearse this with them so they can develop the ability to assertively stand up to someone who tries to bully them -- even if they’re shaking inside. Then, go on to Step 6.

6. Teach them how to walk away with pride. They don't have to stand there and take it if someone's directing mean words or actions at them. Role play with them how to stand tall with head held high, and walk away from someone who's trying to put them down. Walking away in this manner is a sign of strength, not weakness, and it takes the wind out of the person who's trying to gain power over you.

7. Keep the doors of communication open at all times, and take time to talk with them every day. That way, they'll be more likely to come to you if someone's bullying them, rather than withdrawing in shame and silence.

By the way, for the latest on what you need to know about cyberbullying, click here. 

Every child deserves to be respected.

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Bullying and Conflict: Turning Things Around

Any teacher who’s ever had a class filled with bullying and conflict knows the challenge and frustration of getting through each day. Emily Voelkel of Houston Texas, is one such teacher. Faced with a 4th grade class who were at each others' throats continuously, Emily summoned up massive doses of determination, creative energy, and heart to deal with the problem head-on. She decided to use No Kidding About Bullying as her foundation for turning things around. What follows are her words, filled with so many creative (an moving!) ideas, I had to pass them on to you.


Emily's Words:

Your book is a godsend for teachers. I have passed it around among the people I know and will continue to do so. Teachers have so little time to pull a lesson together, and your book does it all. It even gives the exact words to say and ready-made worksheets. Not only did it help me focus, but it allowed me to be able to spend more time preparing for the kids. 


Before starting the book with my kids, I asked them to respond to these questions:


- How do you feel when you come to school?
- How do you treat your classmates/friends/teachers? How do they treat you?
- How do you feel at the end of the school day when you go home?


Here are some of the things they wrote:


"I feel depressed, sad and angry."
"This class is so mean. I don’t have friends.I just want to die."
 "Sometimes I wish I wasn’t even born because of the way I’m being treated."
 "Save me."
 "When I leave school, I feel very relieved that this nightmare is over."
 "Everyone hates everyone. I want it to be where everyone loves one another. It will feel better that way."


I put their words into a powerpoint presentation, then I gathered them in a room, turned the lights down, and read aloud their words. At the end, I played “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” had them join hands in a circle, and I gave each student a hug. I asked if they were with me as a team player in creating a more peaceful place every day, and they all responded “yes.” Some were in tears because they had never experienced anything like this before.


After that I worked hard to teach as many of the lessons as I possibly could. Because they were a difficult group, I had to intersperse the lessons with many, many hands on projects:

• We took clay and formed a peace sign, let it dry and painted it. 
• We made similar sculptures with wax. 
• We painted pictures that represented a peaceful place. 
• We made peace signs with beads and I melted them together with an iron at night. 
• We made a peace pledge banner and they stamped it with their hands with paint. 
• Every morning, I chose four students who were willing to step up to the plate and be a leader of peace for the day. They’d put on peace t-shirts I made them, and then I would say their peace pledge in the form of questions. They had to answer, "I do" after each statement.

Another project was picking a name out of a hat, then drawing a picture of something that person is good at doing, wrapping it in wrapping paper with a bow, and giving it to that person along with a note affirming their talent. 


I also had my kids choose a feeling: happy, sad, angry, depressed, excited. They drew a portrait of a person with one of those feelings. Then I asked them to think about what they would say to a student with that feeling if they saw them in the hallway. I typed their responses and we pasted each one on the portraits. All the portraits went on a banner that we displayed.


I’m telling you all of this because as I read your book I was inspired to do so many things to bring the message home for my kids. I had students write to me asking if they could be the leader for the day. Every student begged to wear the t-shirt. On the playground, they used win/win to discourage their friends from bullying and, instead, work out their problems with each other. When they witnessed my frustration, they reminded me to breathe! I had a large banner that read, “This is what we are doing to create a peaceful Houston!” The students wrote all over the banner messages about the way their friends, teachers, and staff were creating peace. We posted it outside of the cafeteria. 


For the last week of school, I wrote a peacemaking presentation for my fourth grade students to perform for the 2nd and 3rd graders. We gave 3 performances that week. Administration, parents and the counselor came to see it as well. The room was decorated with all the artwork and sculptures that we made. I awarded students at the end who had always been good peacemakers and those who had improved the most.


The principal gave me a card thanking me for my efforts and the kids were excited about what they had learned. The kids learned good lessons and it made them start to think about how harmful their words can be to each other. It also gave them hope that they can work out their problems at school and at home. They started to understand that a school can be a peaceful place and that they can be instruments of change. 

Thank you, Emily, for sharing all of this! I know your story will give hope and encouragement to every teacher who has ever struggled with a class that can't seem to get along.

With creativity and heart, it's possible to turn things around.

What Do You Think? To comment, e-mail Naomi@LearningPeace.com, or click on the word “comments.”.Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”

Getting a Jump on the New Anti-Bullying Law

I just spent two days working with staff and students at Veteran's Memorial School in Union City, NJ, where dynamic principal, Catalina Tomargo, decided to start now in preparing her school for New Jersey's Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights, set to go into effect on September 1, 2011. One of the most comprehensive in the nation, this law requires that all New Jersey schools have programs and procedures in place to address and prevent bullying for the coming school year.

We started by looking at the issues of conflict, anger, and name-calling, then we started exploring ways to get kids involved in school-wide sustainable efforts to stamp out bullying, which we'll continue to address in the fall.

After working with teachers, I visited many of the classes where we discussed the devastating impact of mean words and malicious put-downs. The kids spoke with great honesty, and admitted that no matter who you are, being called mean names cuts to the core. Many said that being the target of mean words made them feel humiliated, depressed, angry, and more. The pain in many of their faces was visible as they spoke.

We also talked about how important it is for every single one of us to be part of the solution to bullying and mean behavior. This is critical, especially in light of new data suggesting that one of the keys to reducing bullying in schools is making kids part of the solution. I'll be writing more about this in my next post.

Taking the bull by the horns, staff and students at Veteran's Memorial are already taking steps to reduce bullying and mean behavior for the upcoming year. Here are some of the wonderful anti-bullying posters the kids made to kick things off:

by Jean and Neurys

By Mayra and Kiara

What is your school doing to reduce bullying? To comment, e-mail Naomi@LearningPeace.com or click on the word “comments” below. Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”

New Research Sheds Light on Predictors of Bullying

Newly-released data by developmental psychology professor, Dr. Elizabeth Kelley shows that kids who have outbursts and show strong reactive emotions are are more likely to be bullied. "Unfortunately, I think this says a lot about adolescent behavior." says Dr. Kelly, "Bullies pick on the kids they think they can get a rise out of, and when those kids react strongly, they just tend to get picked on more."

Although her study was done on children with autism, there's a lesson in it for all of us. Kids who have trouble controlling their emotions risk drawing in more bullying and ostracism.

Kelley says emotional intelligence -- the ability to read and understand the feelings of self and others --  plays a big part in whether or not a child will be bullied. Ability to control emotions and make rational decisions is part of the brain's executive function, and when this function is weak, we see more impulsive behavior and hair-trigger reactions. A child's ability to use good judgment is compromised when executive function is low, and this can cause him to act in ways that work against his own best interests. We often see this in kids who exhibit fragility or aggression when bullied.

I've been working with a child who totally fits this description. "Raymond" has fairly severe ADD and was seen by most of his peers as annoying.  Impulsive and quick to react, he was bullied constantly. Raymond actually knew he was annoying, but seemed unable to stop himself -- at least initially. Over time, however, using the process I describe below -- Stop, Breathe, Chill -- Raymond was able gain control over his impulses and essentially put the bullying to an end. These results were so good they even surprised me! Here's how he describes the changes he experienced:

"When people are mad I give them some space now. That breathing technique you taught me helped me calm down and get myself together. Like I was really mad when this kid took the football the other day. I almost fought him, but I stopped myself and did the breathing technique and my calming statement: 'I believe in myself. I can do anything I set my mind to.' It worked. I'm learning how to cope with life now. I get in trouble less, and I have a lot more friends." 

The good news is that people of every age can learn to "change their brains" and become less reactive, just as Raymond did -- even those with autism and other disorders that compromise executive function. Recognizing one's emotions is the first step. Then comes learning strategies to quell reactions.

That's where Stop, Breathe, Chill comes in. It helps us move out of the reactive part of the brain (the "reptilian brain"), into the place of executive function, the neocortex. I described this strategy in an earlier post, but just in case your missed it, here again is how it works.

Using Stop, Breathe, Chill

The minute anger strikes, and your heart starts pounding faster, immediately give yourself the cue to STOP.  Say the word silently and flash a stop sign in your brain. As you do this, BREATHE --  three slow deep breaths, inhaling deeply and as though the air can fill your abdomen.

Next, CHILL by replacing reactive thoughts with a calming statement. The one I always use is, "I can handle this." Some people use a single word, like "Calm," others use a favorite phrase from a song or prayer, and others use a calming image or a word that represents it (beach, sky, ocean). Choose a calming statement that works for you, and use it every time anger strikes. By doing so we stop the reaction process in its tracks, and enable ourselves to choose a response instead.

Each time we use "STOP, BREATHE, CHILL," we train the brain to handle reactivity in a whole new way.  For kids this can spell the difference between being bullied or not.

Kids can be taught to control reactions that draw in more bullying.

What Do You Think? To comment, e-mail Naomi@LearningPeace.com or click on the word “comments” below. Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”

The Wisdom of Arun Gandhi

Icon, visionary, and bridge to the teachings of his grandfather Mahatma  Gandhi,  Arun Gandhi brought his universal message of respect and non-violence my area this weekend. With quiet passion Gandhi urged us all to find a place of compassion inside ourselves, and to always seek understanding in the face of conflict.

Continuously stressing his grandfather’s message: “We must be the change we wish to see in others,” Arun Gandhi called upon all of us to continuously live the principals of non-violence as an active, dynamic, preventive process – a far cry from the passive images the word “non-violence” sometimes connotes.

Gandhi addressed the issue of bullying on Saturday and urges students to protect and support peers who are bullied. Born in Durban, South Africa in 1934, Dr. Gandhi himself is no stranger to bullying. “I was beaten by white people for being too black, and I was beaten by black people for being too white.” Angered by these experiences, he learned from his legendary grandfather to channel the energy of anger into positive action, and he’s been teaching people to do this ever since.

By choosing to act with respect, regardless of how one’s opponent is behaving, Gandhi says we have the power to both short-circuit the cycle of violence and maintain our dignity. “Anger is like electricity,” his grandfather taught. “It can be just as deadly if we abuse it.” Dr. Gandhi revealed his own strategies for transforming the energy of anger into positive action:

• Keep an anger journal. Mahatma Gandhi taught Arun to do this when he was young, and now he recommends it everywhere he goes. He cautions, however, that the journal must not be used simply to vent. The intention must be to find solutions to the problem. Herein lies the transformative power.
• Do “mental exercises” to quiet the mind, such as silence and meditation. By doing so, Gandhi says we start to gain control over the reactive nature of our minds. When faced with anger, the control we develop through our practices enables us to choosea response in the face of anger, rather than simply react. Doing so can spell the difference between escalation and resolution.
• Set an intention to be compassionate, kind, and respectful under all circumstances. Non-violence, Gandhi says, can’t be something we do only when we’re in the mood. We must live it daily though our words, actions, and the choices we make moment to moment. Changing the aggressive nature of our world depends on each of us. Says Gandhi, “If we don’t change, society will never change.”
• Teach children responsibility through kindness and respect, not punishment. This is how Dr. Gandhi was raised, and the lessons his parents taught with quiet dignity remain with him to this day. He strongly urges parents to get off the fast track and spend more time with their kids, not indulging them, but lovingly guiding them through their own example of kindness, compassion, respect, and restraint in the face of anger.

Dr. Gandhi believes our schools need to change too. “Our education system is so geared toward teaching kids how to ‘succeed’ that we forget about building character. Children need to learn to understand and appreciate differences.” This, Gandhi believes, is the key to ending bullying.

He warned about the “passive violence” of emotional bullying. High School sophomore, Kaitlin Junod, who attended the Saturday workshop, sees a lot of emotional bullying at her school, especially among girls. “You don’t think of passive violence as much as physical violence,” says, Kaitlin, “but it can be just as harmful.” Fellow sophomore, Emily Hartwell, agrees but thinks it’s hard to intervene when someone you don’t know very well is being bullied -- you don’t want to end up being the target yourself.

Sixteen year-old Dustin Todd agrees that’s it’s harder to intervene with kids you don’t know, but says he always intervenes when friends are bullied. “Always be kind to people,” is his guiding principal. The lesson he learned at a Quaker school when he was young still sticks.

So what can we do to alleviate bullying in schools? Dr. Gandhi says this: “We all have to work together to support and protect each other. Do it not with physical violence, but with love and understanding.” He believes that the more kids and teachers who serve as upstanders, the less bullying we’ll see. “If you respond with violence, they (bullies) have greater power over you. If you respond with love and respect, they get lost and don’t know what to do.” Banding together for the common good, and teaching lessons in compassion all the way through may be our greatest hope. By doing so we may well live Mahatma Gandhi’s vision, becoming the change we wish to see in others.

A living treasure whose message we must heed.

What Do You Think? To comment, e-mail Naomi@LearningPeace.com or click on the word “comments.”  Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”

Fostering Empathy From the Start

Did you know that the more love and affection a person receives as a baby the more empathic they will be as an adult. Babies who are held frequently and whose cries are answered quickly became more caring people in later years. So say the findings of Notre Dame psychology professor Darcia Narvaez, in a group of studies she conducted on fostering empathy.

The higher parents were in "responsivity"-- responding to their baby’s needs and subtle nuances – the higher their babies were in moral development and in being attuned to the feelings of others. Says Narvaez, "Responsitivity is clearly linked with moral development. It helps foster an agreeable personality, early conscience development and greater prosocial behavior." So does disciplining with love, as opposed to disciplining in a punitive way.

Clearly, we must start early when it comes to raising empathic children. With bullying so prevalent, this is critical. Maia Szalavitz, co-author of Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential — And Endangered, says, “Empathy is an innate capacity in most humans but it relies on certain environmental triggers in order to develop properly.” Parents are the most important “environmental trigger” at any age. Kids not only need to see their parents showing care for others, they need to feel the care and affection of their parents from the time they are born. “If a child doesn’t receive enough nurture early in life, she’s not going to learn to take pleasure in connecting to other people,” says Szalavitz, “and therefore she won’t share others’ pain, either.”

The ability to share the pain of others is often what stops a child from bullying. So, if we want to see less bullying, more kindness, we have to start when kids are young and continue as they grow.

Here are four things parents can do to start fostering empathy when their kids are babies:

• Answer their cries. Don't make them wait.
• Talk to them, smile at them, and make lots of eye contact.
• Cuddle them as often as you can. The more time in your arms, the better.
• Notice the subtle signals of their needs, and respond as quickly as you can. 

Showing lots of love will lead to greater empathy.

What Do You Think? To leave a comment, e-mail Naomi@LearningPeace.com or click on the word “comments.” Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”

7 Ways to Prevent Bullying and Mean Behavior

Even "nice" kids can resort to meanness in today's contentious culture. Here are seven steps to take if you're a teacher or parent. They'll help cut back on mean behavior and bring about more kindness.

1. Make kindness the expected norm in your class or home.
2. Model, teach, reinforce and expect kindness, compassion, respectful behavior. If you’re a teacher, weave in a lesson a week and follow up. If you’re a parent, have family meetings to reinforce and problem-solve.
3. Never look the other way when bullying or cruelty occur. Confront them immediately.
4. Hold offenders accountable: have them make amends; give a consequence; follow up.
5. Teach kids to be upstanders for peers who are picked on.*
6. Teach your kids how to resolve conflicts and manage anger. **
7. Give lots of positive recognition for kind behaviors: acknowledge, describe, reward, expect.

*   For a free downloadable lesson on teaching kids to be upstanders, click here.

** For steps to resolving conflicts, click here.

You can stop mean behaviors before they get out of hand.

What Do You Think? To comment, e-mail Naomi@LearningPeace.com or click on the word “comments” below. Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”

Three Things Parents Can Do to Raise Kids Who Don’t Bully

Parents, did you know that by talking to your kids, sharing ideas together, and knowing your kids’ friends, you can better assure that your children will not end up bullying others. This is the finding of a new study released at the Pediatric Academic Society conference held on May 1st in Denver.

To find out which parental behaviors can cause kids to bully others, click here.

Talking and listening can make all the difference.

What Do You Think? To leave a comment, e-mail Naomi@LearningPeace.com, or click on the word “comments" below. Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”