The prestigious School Library Journal has just named No Kidding About Bullying an "essential resource on bullying for educators," citing it as a tool for prevention. The frequency and intensity of recent bullying incidences point to a pressing need for more proactive preventative measures. Schools, families, and society in general can't merely respond to bullying when it occurs. We absolutely have to put in place programs that stop bullying before it even begins.
Compassion, kindness, and acceptance need to be taught with the same depth of commitment traditionally reserved only for the basics. But think about it -- what's really more basic than the need for people to treat each other with compassion, decency and respect? We need look no further than recent headlines, including the shameful attack of 13 year-old Nadin Khoury in Philadelphia this week, to see that whatever we're doing about bullying simply isn't enough. My deepest hope is that this book will be one of many wonderful resources that will help turn the tide.
What Do You Think? To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
If a Peer's Being Picked On
In an anti-bullying workshop I recently lead for kids, one of the most common fears expressed about helping a peer who was being picked on was that the tables might be turned on them. Both boys and girls alike were concerned that if they didn't join in or remain silent when someone was being bullied or put down, they might become the target. They felt that intervening would put them at risk.
So we practiced having someone simply stand next to the person being picked on, putting their arm around the person (if comfortable doing so), and walking away together with a word or two of reassurance like, "Hey, don't pay any attention to what they were saying. It wasn't true at all."
Subtle acts can make a big difference. Did you know that when peers intervene to help someone being picked on, the bullying stops in less than 10 seconds 51% of the time. Pretty powerful stuff. So if your kids are afraid to say anything to the person who's bullying, encourage them instead to offer some gesture of support to the person being picked on. That's what upstanders do, and the more upstanders out there, the less bullying we'll see.
What Do You Think? To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” below (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
So we practiced having someone simply stand next to the person being picked on, putting their arm around the person (if comfortable doing so), and walking away together with a word or two of reassurance like, "Hey, don't pay any attention to what they were saying. It wasn't true at all."
Subtle acts can make a big difference. Did you know that when peers intervene to help someone being picked on, the bullying stops in less than 10 seconds 51% of the time. Pretty powerful stuff. So if your kids are afraid to say anything to the person who's bullying, encourage them instead to offer some gesture of support to the person being picked on. That's what upstanders do, and the more upstanders out there, the less bullying we'll see.
What Do You Think? To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” below (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
Saturday, January 22, 2011
A Poem to Build Peace and Understanding
I just got a very special e-mail from a teacher who started every single day with this poem. She said it helped set the tone for the day. I hope you find it helpful too. May it build acceptance and kindness among your kids.
I AM AN INDIVIDUAL
I am an individual.
I have dignity and worth.
I am unique.
I deserve respect
and I respect others.
I am part of the human family.
I have something special
to offer the world.
I am committed to
a peaceful world for all of us.
I make a difference,
and so do you.
I can accomplish
whatever I set out to do,
and so can you.
I am the key to peace.
From Learning the Skills of Peacemaking by Naomi Drew
Permission to reprint for classroom use.
What Do You Think? To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
Thursday, January 13, 2011
A Call for Civility
In his eloquent speech following the Arizona shootings President Obama made a moving plea for civility. Civility is an absolute must, but we need to up the ante and add kindness and compassion to this plea. Our divisive culture with its hate-filled rhetoric and antipathy toward those considered to be “the other” provided a ripe setting for an off-balance person with an ax to grind. An atmosphere of hate can only fuel the fires of hatred, and can become the conduit that allows violent thought to become violent action.
A nine year-old child was killed in the Arizona shootings. We cannot afford to lose any more young lives, either to the violence of a madman with anti-government rage, or to suicide sparked by the cruelty of peers, as witnessed in the deaths of more than five students in the past year.
To prepare young people to function as responsible members of a democratic society, it’s essential that they learn to treat all people with decency and respect, including those who are different or have divergent points of view. Recent events and those of the past year show that we have little time to waste.
The language of hate has no place in our society, be it in the halls of government or in the schoolyard. Kids need positive role models, and right now, they have very few.
Our schools must become safe havens against the hatred that runs rife in our society, places that are antithetical to hatred, violence and bullying.
In order to build a culture of civility, kindness, and acceptance we must be proactive. It’s absolutely essential for kids to learn that cruelty and violence are abhorrent, and we’re not going to accomplish this by just paying lip service. Respect, kindness, and acceptance must be integrated into the very fabric of learning. Imagine teachers across the United States taking time each week to teach lessons that foster civility, compassion and respect, having kids role play being “upstanders” for those who are mistreated. Imagine kids becoming completely accustomed standing up for others in real life because they’ve not only had lots of practice through role play, but because it’s what their school climate and their society supports. Imagine violence and cruelty becoming anathema.
When I went to school it was cool to smoke. Then, after years of anti-smoking campaigns, kids finally got the message that smoking isn’t cool at all – in fact, it’s damaging. Imagine this happening with cruelty, violence, and bullying. Think about a future where kids see a classmate trying to humiliate a peer, and instead of joining in or looking the other way, they step in and help. And imagine all the social capital going to the upstanders rather than the kids who are mean.
Well, I’ve seen it happen. Schools I’ve consulted with and many others have created climates where kindness is “in”, “cruelty “out.” By expecting kindness, compassion, and respect and settling for no less, we give kids the message that this is what’s valued most, and research tells us that what adults value holds a lot of weight in the eyes of children.
In a national survey I ran, 80% of the kids surveyed wanted to learn how to deal with conflict, violence, anger, and bullying. Kids want our help. They want to live in an atmosphere of peace and respect. We can make this happen if we make it a priority, and kids are depending on us to make it a priority now. It’s high time to move toward greater civility, less violence, and less cruelty. We must listen to this need before the tide turns so far in the wrong direction that there’s no turning back.
A nine year-old child was killed in the Arizona shootings. We cannot afford to lose any more young lives, either to the violence of a madman with anti-government rage, or to suicide sparked by the cruelty of peers, as witnessed in the deaths of more than five students in the past year.
To prepare young people to function as responsible members of a democratic society, it’s essential that they learn to treat all people with decency and respect, including those who are different or have divergent points of view. Recent events and those of the past year show that we have little time to waste.
The language of hate has no place in our society, be it in the halls of government or in the schoolyard. Kids need positive role models, and right now, they have very few.
Our schools must become safe havens against the hatred that runs rife in our society, places that are antithetical to hatred, violence and bullying.
In order to build a culture of civility, kindness, and acceptance we must be proactive. It’s absolutely essential for kids to learn that cruelty and violence are abhorrent, and we’re not going to accomplish this by just paying lip service. Respect, kindness, and acceptance must be integrated into the very fabric of learning. Imagine teachers across the United States taking time each week to teach lessons that foster civility, compassion and respect, having kids role play being “upstanders” for those who are mistreated. Imagine kids becoming completely accustomed standing up for others in real life because they’ve not only had lots of practice through role play, but because it’s what their school climate and their society supports. Imagine violence and cruelty becoming anathema.
When I went to school it was cool to smoke. Then, after years of anti-smoking campaigns, kids finally got the message that smoking isn’t cool at all – in fact, it’s damaging. Imagine this happening with cruelty, violence, and bullying. Think about a future where kids see a classmate trying to humiliate a peer, and instead of joining in or looking the other way, they step in and help. And imagine all the social capital going to the upstanders rather than the kids who are mean.
Well, I’ve seen it happen. Schools I’ve consulted with and many others have created climates where kindness is “in”, “cruelty “out.” By expecting kindness, compassion, and respect and settling for no less, we give kids the message that this is what’s valued most, and research tells us that what adults value holds a lot of weight in the eyes of children.
In a national survey I ran, 80% of the kids surveyed wanted to learn how to deal with conflict, violence, anger, and bullying. Kids want our help. They want to live in an atmosphere of peace and respect. We can make this happen if we make it a priority, and kids are depending on us to make it a priority now. It’s high time to move toward greater civility, less violence, and less cruelty. We must listen to this need before the tide turns so far in the wrong direction that there’s no turning back.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Have Kids Take the Test: "Are You Bullying?"
Sometimes kids don't even realize they're bullying. Teachers, school counselors, and administrators often share this concern with me. They say that kids often put down, make fun of, or exclude peers on a regular basis without even realizing that these acts constitute bullying. There's lots of confusion about what bullying actually is, including among adults.
A kid at school teases your child -- is that bullying? A group of girls decides to leave out your daughter on a regular basis -- is this bullying? Either of these can be, depending on the circumstances and intent. To make things easier, here's the definition of bullying that I use in No Kidding About Bullying, adapted from Bullying.org, a well-respected resource for teachers, kids, and parents.
Bullying - conscious, willful, deliberate, hostile behaviors repeated over time and intended to do harm to another person. Bullying can happen either face to face or through electronic media and may include any or all of the following:
- physical aggression
- verbal taunts and put-downs
- humiliation
- threats and intimidation
- extortion or stealing
- exclusion
- use of technology to do harm
Of course there are gray areas. In a workshop I lead recently, a school counselor said kids in her school often do really mean things to each other, and they have no clue that their actions are hurting another person. They're oblivious to the pain they're causing. So is this bullying in spite of lack of malicious intent? I would venture to say yes. It's bullying by default, or bullying due to complete lack of empathy.
So how do we help kids identify behaviors they're engaging in that qualify as bullying? You can start by giving them the definition of bullying, then have them take the test. Here it is, adapted from No Kidding About Bullying:
What Do You Think? To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
A kid at school teases your child -- is that bullying? A group of girls decides to leave out your daughter on a regular basis -- is this bullying? Either of these can be, depending on the circumstances and intent. To make things easier, here's the definition of bullying that I use in No Kidding About Bullying, adapted from Bullying.org, a well-respected resource for teachers, kids, and parents.
Bullying - conscious, willful, deliberate, hostile behaviors repeated over time and intended to do harm to another person. Bullying can happen either face to face or through electronic media and may include any or all of the following:
- physical aggression
- verbal taunts and put-downs
- humiliation
- threats and intimidation
- extortion or stealing
- exclusion
- use of technology to do harm
Of course there are gray areas. In a workshop I lead recently, a school counselor said kids in her school often do really mean things to each other, and they have no clue that their actions are hurting another person. They're oblivious to the pain they're causing. So is this bullying in spite of lack of malicious intent? I would venture to say yes. It's bullying by default, or bullying due to complete lack of empathy.
So how do we help kids identify behaviors they're engaging in that qualify as bullying? You can start by giving them the definition of bullying, then have them take the test. Here it is, adapted from No Kidding About Bullying:
Are You Bullying Someone?
Take this self-test to find out if you‘re doing anything that’s considered to be bullying. Do you do any of the following on a regular basis?
- Purposely try to make another person feel bad.
- Make fun of someone to hurt or embarrass them.
- Call someone names all the time.
- Purposely leave someone out all the time.
- Cause physical harm to another person.
- Threaten to hurt someone.
- Try to make someone feel like they’re not as good as you.
- Get others to make fun of or exclude another person.
- Send out hurtful or humiliating texts, instant messages, or posts about someone.
- Spread rumors or gossip about someone you either don’t like or are mad at.
- Use websites to embarrass, exclude, gossip about or hurt another person.
Admitting any of the above to yourself is the first step in breaking the pattern of bullying. Now talk to someone who can help you stop. Become part of the solution to bullying, instead of being part of the problem.
By the way, if you're wondering how to foster more empathy in kids, take a look at "The Key to Ending Bullying." Also, my latest workshop, "Fostering Empathy and Tolerance," helps parents and teachers with this very important issue. To bring this workshop to your school or community, please contact me at Naomi@LearningPeace.com. And remember, each of us holds the key to ending bullying.
What Do You Think? To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
Monday, December 6, 2010
We're in the Top 50!!
This blog has been named one of the top fifty blogs for school counselors! It was just noted in School Counseling Masters. There's nothing more gratifying than knowing your work is making a difference.
Speaking of making a difference, there's a new program called "Talk About It" that's enabling kids who are bullied to reach out to supportive adults through texts and e-mail. Schools using the program seem to be getting some good results. One school in particular said kids' concerns about bullying have dropped from 75% to 25% . Click here to read more about it.
What are you doing to help kids who are bullied? Please post your ideas here.
To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
Speaking of making a difference, there's a new program called "Talk About It" that's enabling kids who are bullied to reach out to supportive adults through texts and e-mail. Schools using the program seem to be getting some good results. One school in particular said kids' concerns about bullying have dropped from 75% to 25% . Click here to read more about it.
What are you doing to help kids who are bullied? Please post your ideas here.
To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
Friday, December 3, 2010
A Word to Kids Who Are Being Bullied
You Are Not Alone
There are people out there who can help. Lots of people care about you, even people you don't know. We understand how painful bullying can be, and we know that you don't deserve to be bullied. There is nothing wrong with you. Kids who bully do it for power, and if they weren't picking on you, they'd be picking on someone else. So if you're thinking that the bullying is your fault, let go of that idea. It's not your fault. No one deserves to be bullied. Period.
If you're being bullied, don't keep the problem inside yourself. It'll only make you feel worse. Talk to someone who cares -- and there are lots of people who do: your parents, your teachers, your school counselor, your principal, your friends, and other relatives in your family. Don't let embarrassment or fear hold you back. If you've tried to get help and the bullying still continues, keep asking. And if you don't know who to talk to, or you're not ready to talk to someone face to face, here's a number you can call to get support right now: 1-800-448-3000. This is the Girls and Boys Town National Hotline. A caring person will be on the other end, and your call will be completely confidential. This hotline has helped over 8 million kids, and it's open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They are there for you.
Here's something else to remember -- you are just right exactly as you are. You don't have to be just like everybody else to be worthy of respect. Your individuality is what makes you special, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and decency. Always remember this. Now, go talk to someone, and keep talking till you get the help you need.
What Do You Think? To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
There are people out there who can help. Lots of people care about you, even people you don't know. We understand how painful bullying can be, and we know that you don't deserve to be bullied. There is nothing wrong with you. Kids who bully do it for power, and if they weren't picking on you, they'd be picking on someone else. So if you're thinking that the bullying is your fault, let go of that idea. It's not your fault. No one deserves to be bullied. Period.
If you're being bullied, don't keep the problem inside yourself. It'll only make you feel worse. Talk to someone who cares -- and there are lots of people who do: your parents, your teachers, your school counselor, your principal, your friends, and other relatives in your family. Don't let embarrassment or fear hold you back. If you've tried to get help and the bullying still continues, keep asking. And if you don't know who to talk to, or you're not ready to talk to someone face to face, here's a number you can call to get support right now: 1-800-448-3000. This is the Girls and Boys Town National Hotline. A caring person will be on the other end, and your call will be completely confidential. This hotline has helped over 8 million kids, and it's open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They are there for you.
Here's something else to remember -- you are just right exactly as you are. You don't have to be just like everybody else to be worthy of respect. Your individuality is what makes you special, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and decency. Always remember this. Now, go talk to someone, and keep talking till you get the help you need.
What Do You Think? To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”
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