Have Kids Take the Test: "Are You Bullying?"

Sometimes kids don't even realize they're bullying. Teachers, school counselors, and administrators often share this concern with me. They say that kids often put down, make fun of, or exclude peers on a regular basis without even realizing that these acts constitute bullying. There's lots of confusion about what bullying actually is, including among adults.

A kid at school teases your child -- is that bullying? A group of girls decides to leave out your daughter on a regular basis -- is this bullying? Either of these can be, depending on the circumstances and intent. To make things easier, here's the definition of bullying that I use in No Kidding About Bullying, adapted from Bullying.org, a well-respected resource for teachers, kids, and parents.


Bullying - conscious, willful, deliberate, hostile behaviors repeated over time and intended to do harm to another person. Bullying can happen either face to face or through electronic media and may include any or all of the following:


- physical aggression
- verbal taunts and put-downs
- humiliation
- threats and intimidation
- extortion or stealing
- exclusion
- use of technology to do harm

Of course there are gray areas. In a workshop I lead recently, a school counselor said kids in her school often do really mean things to each other, and they have no clue that their actions are hurting another person. They're oblivious to the pain they're causing. So is this bullying in spite of lack of malicious intent? I would venture to say yes. It's bullying by default, or bullying due to complete lack of empathy.

So how do we help kids identify behaviors they're engaging in that qualify as bullying? You can start by giving them the definition of bullying, then have them take the test. Here it is, adapted from No Kidding About Bullying:

Are You Bullying Someone?

Take this self-test to find out if you‘re doing anything that’s considered to be bullying.  Do you do any of the following on a regular basis?

-       Purposely try to make another person feel bad.

-       Make fun of someone to hurt or embarrass them.

-       Call someone names all the time.

-       Purposely leave someone out all the time.

-       Cause physical harm to another person.

-       Threaten to hurt someone.

-       Try to make someone feel like they’re not as good as you.

-       Get others to make fun of or exclude another person.

-       Send out hurtful or humiliating texts, instant messages, or posts about someone.

-       Spread rumors or gossip about someone you either don’t like or are mad at.

-       Use websites to embarrass, exclude, gossip about or hurt another person.

Admitting any of the above to yourself is the first step in breaking the pattern of bullying.  Now talk to someone who can help you stop. Become part of the solution to bullying, instead of being part of the problem. 

                 

 By the way, if you're wondering how to foster more empathy in kids, take a look at "The Key to Ending Bullying."  Also, my latest workshop, "Fostering Empathy and Tolerance," helps parents and teachers with this very important issue. To bring this workshop to your school or community, please contact me at Naomi@LearningPeace.com. And remember, each of us holds the key to ending bullying.

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We're in the Top 50!!

This blog has been named one of the top fifty blogs for school counselors!  It was just noted in School Counseling Masters. There's nothing more gratifying than knowing your work is making a difference.

Speaking of making a difference, there's a new program called "Talk About It" that's enabling kids who are bullied to reach out to supportive adults through texts and e-mail. Schools using the program seem to be getting some good results. One school in particular said kids' concerns about bullying have dropped from 75% to 25% . Click here to read more about it.

What are you doing to help kids who are bullied? Please post your ideas here.
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A Word to Kids Who Are Being Bullied

You Are Not Alone

There are people out there who can help. Lots of people care about you, even people you don't know. We understand how painful bullying can be, and we know that you don't deserve to be bullied. There is nothing wrong with you. Kids who bully do it for power, and if they weren't picking on you, they'd be picking on someone else. So if you're thinking that the bullying is your fault, let go of that idea. It's not your fault. No one deserves to be bullied. Period.

If you're being bullied, don't keep the problem inside yourself. It'll only make you feel worse. Talk to someone who cares -- and there are lots of people who do: your parents, your teachers, your school counselor, your principal, your friends, and other relatives in your family.  Don't let embarrassment or fear hold you back. If you've tried to get help and the bullying still continues, keep asking. And if you don't know who to talk to, or you're not ready to talk to someone face to face, here's a number you can call to get support right now: 1-800-448-3000. This is the Girls and Boys Town National Hotline. A caring person will be on the other end, and your call will be completely confidential. This hotline has helped over 8 million kids, and it's open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They are there for you.

Here's something else to remember -- you are just right exactly as you are. You don't have to be just like everybody else to be worthy of respect. Your individuality is what makes you special, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and decency.  Always remember this. Now, go talk to someone, and keep talking till you get the help you need.

What Do You Think? To leave a comment, click on the word “comments” (ignore the number that precedes it). Write your comment in the box, then click on “Select profile . . .” If the top group of options doesn’t apply to you, select “Name/URL” to comment with your name (you can leave the URL part blank), or select “Anonymous.”